It’s really great how God places things in your lap at times exactly when you need them. I’m having a struggle in knowing exactly how to be the parent God wants me to be. I am sure all parents do, but there are situations going on right now in my life with examples of other “parents” that I just despise.
It hurts me so deeply and I keep saying to myself, I don’t want to be that kind of parent! I find myself fighting it. I don’t want my son or daughter to “get away” with things, and I even get very frustrated at my husband when I feel he is making the wrong choice for how he disciplines our children (which I know I can not do), but I do not know what I really need to do to train up a child! This article touched me, so here it is…
The Following Post I found on Facebook, a friend had commented on it, and I read what followed. This is written by Mr. Ed Brook. I do not know him, but I found this very interesting and very much helpful and encouraging right now.
Parental Tyranny: A Mark of Immaturaty.
Growing up in the circle of influence that I did, provided me with the protection of a God given Government called family.
In this family, we had a rule of law, it was called the Bible. In this Bible is a commandment to honor your father and mother.
Now, I mentioned the family as a form of government, and it is. You have the father and mother as the executive, legislative, and judicial branches. And this “government, (at least in my circle of influence) is operated under Biblical mandate. The Bible is the law. It is non-negotiable.
However, just like in our american government, the head of the family too can become too controlling thinking they have God all figured out and that He is a certain way all the time. Granted, he never changes. That’s not what I’m saying. The God that we worship is the God who never changes, but how dare we attempt to put him in a box and think we know all about him just because of what we read in the Bible. The Bible is a very good place to start if you want to get to know God but so many of us read the thing and think we have Him all figured out. They even take the information God revealed to them and say, “well, if he spoke this to me in this situation, it must be the same for every situation and for everyone in our circle of influence.” That’s where we get legalism from.
Regarding honoring the father and mother. Being raised baptist, I and the one’s I grew up with were under strict orders never to disrespect my elders especially not our mothers. And rightly so. But as we grew so did the mandate to “honor” our parents without the balance of Paul’s admonishment for fathers to not provoke their children to wrath. In my case it was just my mother as my father had passed away when I was just 11.
Yes, so, as we were to “honor” our parents, that meant doing whatever they asked or told us to do, when they told us to do it. Again, nothing completely wrong with that. But when it came time for us young men to learn how to run a household so as to be a “Godly” father and husband someday, naturally we were supposed to learn how to follow before we could learn how to lead. The problem was some of us never got out of the “learning how to follow” part for any number of reasons. Was it because we weren’t following perfectly? perhaps. (But does it matter? Not really as we won’t be perfect at leading either.)
Most likely however, it was the fact that our parents hadn’t learned how to trust God completely and therefore didn’t know how to teach us to do so. And that spurred on the feelings of inadequate parenting.
Which in turn the commandment to honor was held over our heads when we became adults and attempted to express our individule opinions or beliefs. Or when we felt God trying to take us in a certain direction that our parents weren’t comfortable with. We were “under their roof and therefore under their authority”. When our parents assumed that position, they put themselves in danger because the real authority is God!
So, where do you draw the line when it comes to honor and worship? When you raise a child to have their own relationship with the God that you serve, is it right to use scripture to keep them at bay when God starts to cultivate that relationship, they are becoming (or have become) an adult and God wants to actually own your adult child? Isn’t that why you were raising them? to get them ready to live for Him?
So the question begs to be asked; As a parent, Do you trust God? Do you trust your young adult? So, many parents of the people I grew up with would answer yes to both these questions. but realistically, their actions showed that they don’t think they raised their child right, or they really don’t trust the God they say they serve!
And that’s why some of them left home with hurt feelings on both sides, or some (not all) of them stayed and lived in lonely resentment. It wasn’t because of rebellion! At least not towards God!
God gave them a thirst and a hunger after Himself and the parents couldn’t see that because they had their god neatly contained in a tiny little box with their preconceived ideas about what He wanted to do in the life of their now half-baked raised adult!
As a parent now myself, I understand the desire to train up a child in the fear and admonition of The Lord. But the first thing I have to realize is my daughter is not MINE. She belongs to God. I do have a responsability however. The epitimy of which consists not of making sure my children do what I say until they get married and move out. My resposability is to make sure they know God’s voice and can operate under His principles with out me having to sway them or say anything. It is up to me to help them come to this realization of a God that loves them and wants His best for their lives. And that they themselves have to seek out what it is. If I fail in this area by the time they reach the age of accountability, then I’ve failed as a parent!
Boys and girls, the object of the game is not to tyrannicly dictate what God’s will is for your child.
He never intended your parents to be your god.
He intended parents to be teammates for their young adults to give counsel to and to aid in any way possible. But when the parents start giving the answers, instead of letting the young adult get with God and having God help them figure it out, then they’ve stepped into an area that God wants for Himself!
When your teammates start to play coach, it’s gonna screw things up!
When they’re being treated like a child when they’re 25, It cheeses me off! If the parents haven’t trained this person to have a relationship with God then it’s a little too late to try to force ‘em into it now! If they DID then they should trust the relationship and understand that their adult child is now under God’s authority and MUST go to God for the answer and come to them for simple counsel. And the parents MUST trust the God they say they serve!
Actually, it is amazing how many adult children are still being controlled by domineering parents.
And finally, as long as the adult children allow themselves to be under the control of anyone else—be it a parent, spouse, or even their children—they have a problem. It is a mark of their immaturity.
Now, by control I mean abuse of God given authority. That occurs when The one with authority get in between God and the one under authority. In this circumstance, I’m talking in regards to Parents and Adult children.
Adults who allow others to control them also do so because of their immaturity and insecurity. They are afraid to stand up for themselves and take control of and responsibility for their own life. As adults we are to be our own person—under our own control and direction.
Furthermore, when adults allow themselves to be controlled by others, they cannot be under God’s control or direction. And when people, including some legalistic pastors, seek to control others, they are playing the role of God in other people’s lives.
As for married couples who allow themselves to be controlled by either of their parents, they are setting themselves up for major marital conflicts. As the Bible teaches, when we marry, we are to leave our parents and depend on each other. That is, we are to cut the emotional umbilical cord that can keep us tied to and controlled by a domineering parent. If our parents don’t cut the cord and let go, we need to cut it ourselves.
The same principle applies to single adults who have a control freak parent(s) whom they are still allowing to control them.
Sure, it isn’t easy to cut the emotional umbilical cord that’s been connecting us since we were in the womb. Try to cut it and the control freak will get mad and try to put us on a guilt trip—but that’s his/her problem and we are not responsible for his/her reaction. Cutting the cord starts by (respectfully) saying, “no,” then “No,” and then “NO!”
You can practice saying “no” to high-pressure sales people such as telemarketers and some (not all) used car sales persons. You don’t have to give a reason why you are saying “no.” In other words, start by saying “no” in the easiest places first. The more you do, the stronger and more confident you will become. It may take a while for you timid ones, but you can do it too. Or take a course in assertiveness training. It will be worth its weight in gold.
Remember, we are only controlled by others when we allow it. Furthermore, and most important of all, if we want our life to be under God’s control and direction, we need to take ourselves out from under the control (or the abusive authority) of anyone else—be it a parent, or anyone else.