It started last night as I was reading A Mother After God’s Own Heart. I was feeling very convicted about the time I am spending for Him with them. Yes I play with my kids everyday, I even read to them everyday, and I pray with Ben at almost every meal and every nap/bed time. But the time I am really spending for God with my kids, is far too lax. I found several places of research that say by the time a child is between 4 and 5 their characters of who they are are pretty much set and is more difficult to change. That doesn’t mean at 5 I’m going to give up. But I find myself as an adult having to “redo” all kinds of things in my life when really, I wonder how much was set by age 4 or 5. (I’m not blaming my parents in anyway shape or form here. We are all dirty rotten sinners.) I just have been thinking, we are almost half way to that point with Bensen. And I would so much rather work two times harder with him now, than have him have to work at it ten times harder as an adult. I think I talk myself into believing that Bensen, or Jenavieve for that matter, don’t really understand. I can’t sit and just read the Bible alone to them. Stories about God, sure all the time, but the actual Word of God? They’ll never understand! WHAT LIES!!!! I don’t think you could believe the amount of conviction I am under and the tears and prayers to God right now over this very issue. I read Proverbs 31 today, I’ve read it a million times, but today, for the first time ever…the verse “she does not eat the bread of idleness” hurt me in a very deep way. I spend far too much time on facebook or playing games. I make excuses like it’s “down time” for me, or there is nothing else I feel like doing, or I’ll get to work later, or Jena’s eating, i can’t get up anyway. My poor husband has been concerned about the time I spend on the computer for a while now, and I’ve been getting mad at him, thinking, how dare he tell me what is or isn’t too much time! He’s on there all day, albeit for work! But it is all day. I’m horrible!
In any case, I have decided to limit my time to no more than 30 min a day on facebook, and no more than that on games. There isn’t anything wrong with it, and I’m not trying to make it out to be anything here. Just for me, I’ve made it something it shouldn’t be. I want to truly spend more time for God with my kids. I want to structure my kids days a little better than I have been. I know I’m going to make a thousand and ten mistakes in raising these precious kids. But I feel like the least I can do is “protection” control right now. I am replaying the verse in Deuteronomy over and over in my head, “my words shall be on your hearts and you shall teach them diligently to your children”. I don’t want to be some type of wonder mom here, but if I’m not diligently teaching them God’s Word, than who is? This isn’t easy for me. This isn’t even something I picture myself doing. I don’t want to “be fake” with my kids about God. I don’t want to “do it” just because I know I should, but because it’s out of love for God and my children. I desperately want my kids to be excited for Christ, and I know that won’t just happen. It needs Him to pull them to Himself, and He put me in charge of being their guide. “A child left to himself will bring shame to his mother” Proverbs (?I forget already!?)
Anyway, that’s my little rant right now. I’ve got much to do and much prayer is needed. I’m worried to be honest, not of doing it, but of my own wicked heart. I’m worried that my kids are going to think “oh mom, here she goes again” and push them away instead of pushing them towards God and towards their Daddy’s and my hearts. It’s not easy. Anyone that does actually stumble on this and reads it, I ask you to just pray for us. And I will try to do the same for every Mom of God out there! It’s a battle for souls that’s for sure!