Ok, I’m going on a little venting rampage right now. I feel like total crap about my life and about who I am for God. I guess that’s how I should feel because I am worthless before God, but I KNOW the truth about who He has made me and WHAT He has done for me.
Its completely ridiculous and totally self indulging here to rant like I want to and am going to. But I am completely and utterly frustrated with me. I want one thing and I act completely differently. I hate how certain people make me feel, well I know they don’t make me feel that way, but the way that i respond to them. That’s not the point though. I don’t like who I am around them plain and simple. I want to grow and I feel like they keep me in it when I’m trying to get God to pull me out of it. I think thoughts that are absolutely horrific and sinful. I get self righteous and then just down right angry to tears, and it’s for sure not the be angry and sin not kinda anger, its just madness. I feel totally sick to my stomach and I just want to scream. I’ve been sitting here all afternoon thinking, should I call someone? My Mom? My friend? Even take Sean from work? Instead I’ve spent the past 10 minutes yelling at God for how I feel and now feel even worse, so I’m sure I’m writing this all to feel worse too. I don’t even know exactly what the issue is to “fix it”. I just know that I am hurt, frustrated and angry. Of course that’s get misconstrued by others as completely different emotions, which is turn gets me yet more hurt and more angry! Vicious little cycle I have going on here. Oh the immaturity of me really! The dirty rotten sinfulness that’s filling every part of me right now, and instead of cutting off the peptides that are filling my mind, I believe I am feeding them and I’m not sure why. And quite honestly when I feel like this, I’m not sure how to make them stop or if I want them to stop. I just want to have a reason to BE MAD. Ridiculous, this is NOT who I want to be…but it’s who I’m choosing right now!?!? WHAT?!?!?! Alright, I’m done for the moment. I think.
1 comment op “Venting…”
Post a comment.
About
God has been teaching me and showing me so many things. He has given me treasures, gifts, blessings, truths and steps to take everyday; it is my prayer that this may encourage you in just one small way!
Categories
- Bible Lessons (14)
- Life Coaching (1)
- My Life (25)
- Uncategorized (18)
Megan, You don’t know me, but we are mutual friends of Megan Roberts (I met her through Valley Forge Baptist). I came upon your blog address on one of her photo comments. I hope that you don’t mind that I checked it out. I have a blog myself and am always interested in learning new things from other moms and Christians in general. I have to say that this particular blog touched me right in my heart (in fact it more than touched me…it pretty much reached out and punched me! lol). I have been feeling the exact same way!!! I can’t even tell you. I have so much pent up emotion and I am very angry with myself. I completely understand where you are coming from when you said, “I hate how certain people make me feel, well I know they don’t make me feel that way, but the way that i respond to them. That’s not the point though. I don’t like who I am around them plain and simple. I want to grow and I feel like they keep me in it when I’m trying to get God to pull me out of it. I think thoughts that are absolutely horrific and sinful. I get self righteous and then just down right angry to tears, and it’s for sure not the be angry and sin not kinda anger, its just madness. I feel totally sick to my stomach and I just want to scream.”…oh my word, right on point with me here!!! I have several situations going on it my life like this and it’s like…what do you do? I know that God calls us to love and forgive etc. But do you allow people in your life like that? Cut them out? How to do all that???!!! I am very angry and bitter and I feel like I am drowning in my sinful outrage. It’s been a snowball affect and has now affected more and more areas of my life. I feel like I am always hurt and upset these days and I don’t know how to get it to stop! I wish for peace and sanity and…um, sleep since it’s actually taken to waking me up in the middle of the night. It’s so so hard and I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. I feel encouraged knowing that I am not the only one feeling like this. If you come to a solution at some point, I’d love for you to share your secret!!! And I’ll be happy to do the same. Anyway, just thought that I’d share…I REALLY REALLY struggle with this too!!! =(